The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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