Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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