Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
