omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize