Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
