I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
