O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
