I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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