Where are you?
In a non slutty way
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
