Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
