part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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