my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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