I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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