And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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