Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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