my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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