matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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