quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
