Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
