Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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