He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That accounts for only three of the penises
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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