They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
