wakey wakey hands off snakey
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
