new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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