Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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