Soap is not a condiment
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize