when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Randomize
