I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize