I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
