he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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