There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
