i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
