Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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