Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
