just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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