every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize