I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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