What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize