he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
