He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Fuck appropriateness.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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