How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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