Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
