Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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