This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
