I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
