I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
