i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize