Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize