i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
