The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
