There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
