tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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