We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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