I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
