I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
